Mystery MeatEpisode Transcript by KarneliaThis transcript is provided for reference use only. Please do not distribute it without crediting the transcripter!Mystery Meat Jack: *walks forward and addresses three seated teens* So, Danny! You and your little friends want to hunt ghosts... Danny: Uh, a-actually, Dad, I wanna be an astronaut. Sam: Sorry Mr. Fenton. I was into ghosts, but they’re so mainstream now; they’re like cell phones. Tucker: Waste these looks and all this charisma hunting ghosts? Criminal. Jack: Well, if you do want to hunt ghosts, there are a few things you need to learn...*Turns around and busies himself with lab equipment* *Danny, bored, gasps as a wisp of blue mist streams from his mouth* Danny: Oh no...This isn’t good... *A large portal opens and two octopus-like ghosts fly out, grabbing a startled Sam and Tucker from their seats* Jack: True, I’ve never seen a ghost, but when I do, I’ll be prepared. And so will you, whether you want to be or not! *Danny, distressed, turns to face his captured friends, furrows his brows determinedly and leaps into action. There’s a flash of light and the sounds of fighting* Jack: *Picking up a thermos* It all starts with your equipment. *One of the ghosts flies across the screen from an unseen blow. Sam and Tucker land back in their seats* Jack: Sam, Tucker; This is the Fenton Thermos. *Hands thermos to Sam* It’s supposed to trap ghosts. *Turns around again* But since it doesn’t work, it is just a thermos; *Glances back, just missing another ghost flying across the screen* A thermos with the word ‘Fenton’ in front of it. *The second ghost flies across the screen as he turns back* *The two ghosts, beaten, plunge themselves back into the portal. There’s another flash of light and Danny jumps back into his seat as the portal closes* Jack: *Pointing to portal* And that; That is the Fenton Portal. It releases ghosts into our world whether I want it to or not. And someday, I’ll figure out how that works too!” *Turns to face the children. Sam and Tucker are shaking and Danny is panting heavily* Now, who wants to hunt some ghosts? --- *Maddie pulls on her hood and starts working on an invention. Jazz, annoyed, blocks the sparks with her book: Surviving Adolescences Through Therapy. Danny, eating cereal, is startled when his spoon suddenly falls through his hand. He gives a frightened cry and hides his arm under the table when he finds that it’s invisible* Maddie: Okay! Two more days, and it’s done. Jack: What did you say? It’s done!? The Fenton Finder is done! This baby uses satellites to lead you right to the ghosts. Danny: *Nervous* It uses what to track...what? Fenton Finder: Welcome to the Fenton Finder. A Ghost is near. Walk forward. *Danny backs up while his parent walk forward, cornering him into a wall* Fenton Finder: Ghost located. Thank you for using the Fenton Finder. *Danny grins nervously while his parent look at him incredulously* Jack: What!? *Turns to look at Maddie* That can’t be right! *Danny, still trying to look innocent, suddenly flashes invisible for a moment, and looks down hopelessly* Danny: Actually...I need to tell you guys something... Jazz: *Closing her book* That’s not all you need, Danny. You need guidance, *Walks up and shoves their parents back* and parents who can provide it! *Looks at them angrily* Maddie: Sweetie, I know what we do doesn’t make sense sometimes, but you’re only— Jazz: Sixteen...Biologically! But psychologically I’m an adult! And I will not allow your insane obsession with ghosts to pollute the mind of this impressionable little child! *Pulls Danny into a tight embrace, then turns to face him* Come you abused, unwanted wretch...I’ll drive you to school...*Walks Danny out of the room* Maddie: Huh...That’s weird. Jasmine never offers to drive Danny to school. Jack: That can only mean one thing. That’s not our daughter, that’s a ghost. Danny no! It’s a trap! *Chases after them, followed by Maddie* --- Danny: I think I should tell them. Sam: Why!? Parents don’t listen. Even worse, they don’t understand! Why can’t they accept me for who I am!? Danny: Sam...I’m talking about my powers, my problems? Sam: Oh, right...Me too... Danny: It’s been a month since the accident, and I still barely have any control! If somebody catches me, I go from geek to freak around here! *Starts sinking through the floor* Tucker: Kinda like what you’re doin’ now? *Danny freaks out uncrossing his arms which are hastily grabbed by Sam and Tucker so they can pull him back up* Danny: *Gives a flustered breath* Darn it! If my dad can invent something that accidentally made me half-ghost, why can’t he invent something that turns me back to normal!? *Unwittingly walks through a Tasty Snax vending machine* Sam: Danny, your powers make you unique. Unique is good! That’s why I’m an ultra-recyclo-vegetarian. Tucker: Which means what? Danny: She doesn’t eat anything with a face on it. Tucker: Ah, who cares about that stuff? Danny, two words. ‘Meat connoisseur’. *Bends down and sniffs close to Danny* Last night, you had sloppy joes. Danny: Impressive. Tucker: Meat heightens the senses, and my all-meat streak is fourteen years strong! Sam: And it’s about to end. The school board finally agreed to try a new cafeteria menu. I wore them down. Tucker: Wait...what did you do!? --- *The trio stand in the cafeteria line under a banner that reads ‘This week Ultra Recyclo-Vegetarian’. They are served what looks like grass growing on a piece of bread* Danny: What is this? Grass on a bun? Tucker: *Dramatically to Sam* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? Sam: Tucker, it’s time for a change...*Holds up her piece of bread* --- *A stout, female ghost, wearing cafeteria lady clothes steps out from the Fenton Portal* Lunch Lady: Ooooooo...Somebody changed the menu! *Flies up through the ceiling unnoticed by Jack or Maddie who are working on an invention* Maddie: Maybe this is a bad idea... Jack: No, it’s perfect! When Jazz gets home, we suck the ghost out of her with the Fenton Extractor! *Holds up a vacuum-like device* Maddie: But what if Jazz isn’t a ghost? What if we accidentally hurt her!? Jack: Maddie, the Fenton Extractor doesn’t hurt humans...Unless it gets in your hair. *Turns the Fenton Extractor on which immediately rips the hair from his head. He cries out in pain, turns it off and pauses a moment* See? --- Danny: Holding a spoonful of the new food* Don’t you think this is a little extreme, Sam? Mr. Lancer: *Comes up from behind and puts a hand on Sam’s shoulder* Ah, Miss Manson! The school board wanted me to personally thank you for ushering in this welcome experiment to our cafeteria. Tucker: *Sniffs the air* Meat...Near...! *Glances over at Mr. Lancer and rises to sniff him* Mr. Lancer: *Innocently holds up hands* No, no! The rumors about the new all-steak buffet in the teacher’s lounge are completely untrue. *Holds a toothpick to his teeth before addressing Sam once more* Thanks again! *Walks away* Tucker: Yeah...thanks again for making us eat garbage, Sam...” Danny and Tucker: It’s garbage. --- *After serving the last kid, the cafeteria lady stealthily pulls a hamburger from her pocket and slinks away to eat it. The Lunch Lady ghost drops in through the ceiling and notices the Ultra Recyclo Veggie Lunch Menu. She picks it up and narrows her eyes* --- *Danny looks at a spoonful of grassy dirt when he suddenly gasps, a wisp of blue mist streaming from his mouth* Danny: Uh, guys? I’ve got a problem...*A clod of mud is suddenly thrown at his head* Dash: FENTON! Danny: Make that two problems... Dash:*Walking up to the trio* I ordered three mud pies. Do you know what they gave me? Three mud pies. With MUD! From the GROUND! All because of your girlfriend! Danny: She’s not my girlfriend! Sam: I’m not his girlfriend! *Dash reaches out and grabs Danny by the shirt, holding up above the ground* Dash: These are the best years of my life! After high school, it’s all down hill for me! How am I supposed to enjoy my glory days eating mud!? Sam: Actually, it’s top soil. Dash: *Throws Danny back to his table* Whatever! *Walks up with plateful of mud* Eat it. All of it. *Danny closes his eyes, cringing as he takes up a spoonful of mud. Before he can take a bite, the blue mist streams from his mouth again. Glancing up, he can see the Lunch Lady drifting behind the food counter* Danny: Uh...Um...Garbage fight! *He throws the plate of mud at Dash’s face. The rest of the cafeteria raises their own fistfuls of mud and begin to hurl it at each other.* Sam: *Angry* It’s not garbage, it’s--*Danny pulls her down under the table and begins to crawl away* Dash: You’re gonna pay for this, Fenton! *He gets pelted with two balls of mud* Danny: Great. I’m still his favorite... *The three crawl away from the fight and open the door to the kitchen, peering in at the ghost* Tucker: Hah! Shouldn’t be so bad. She looks a little like my grandmother... Danny: Shouldn’t she be haunting a bingo hall? Lunch Lady: *Sweetly*Hello children, can you help me? *Flies up to them* Today’s lunch is meatloaf...But I don’t see the meatloaf! Did someone change the menu? Tucker: Yeah. *Points to Sam* She did. Lunch Lady: *Now raging* You changed the menu? *Danny, Sam, and Tucker gasp, frightened* Lunch Lady: The menu has been the same for fifty years! *She gives an attack cry, preparing energy above her head* Danny: Get behind me! *Sam and Tucker jump behind him* Sam: Wow...I feel safe... Danny: I’m goin’ ghost! *He raises his arms and is encased by light for a moment before a blue-white ring appears at his waist, splitting into two and traveling up and down his body, changing his everyday wear to a black and white jumpsuit, his black hair turns white, and his blue eyes turn green. He flies up to the ghost, talking uncertainly* I...command you to...go away! *The Lunch Lady sends a pile of dishes hurtling toward Danny who cringes and turns intangible. He looks down at himself, surprised, but pleased, that he was able to use the right power to avoid being hit. He quickly flies down to catch a torrent of dishes that are hurtling toward Sam and then another dish storm headed for Tucker. He sets all the plates back on the counter, looking at his reflection with one that he’s holding* Danny: Well, if this superhero thing doesn’t work out, I could have an exciting career as a busboy...*He notices as two stoves begin to bounce up and down as if possessed in the reflection of the plate* Lunch Lady: *Angrily* I control lunch! Lunch is sacred! Lunch has RULES! *Suddenly switches to a sweet demeanor* Anybody want cake? *Tucker and Sam, flabbergasted, nod* Lunch Lady: *Angrily again* Too bad! Children who change my menu do not get dessert! *The Lunch Lady flies up through the ceiling and the possessed ovens shoot flames at the children who jump out of the way. Tucker and Sam cringe against a wall as the ovens leap for them, but Danny flies behind and grabs onto them, turning all three of the intangible and hurling them through the wall right before the ovens hit. The three tumble out into the hall* Danny: Hey! It worked! Sam: This is the thanks I get for thinking like an individual!? *There’s a sudden crash, the lights go out, and several school things fly from lockers, swirling around the Lunch Lady* Tucker: *Sniffing the air* Steak...Ribeye...Porterhouse!...Medium rare...*Various kinds of meat fly past them, attaching themselves to the Lunch Lady* But, where did it come from...? *He thinks a moment* Lancer! --- Lancer: Esteemed Casper High faculty, I present your All-Steak Buffet! *He pulls a cloth from a table presumably loaded with meat, but all the dishes are empty save for a solitary bone. The eager staff gasps causing Lancer to look down and find all the meat missing. He pounds the table* Paradise Lost! --- Lunch Lady: *Now a meat monster* Prepare to learn why meat is the most powerful of the five food groups! *Her voice suddenly becomes sweet again* Cookie? *Sam, speechless, shakes her head* Lunch Lady: *Angry once more, raises her arm to strike* Then perish! Danny: *Sliding in front of Sam* Forget it! The only thing that has an expiration date here, is you! *He poses in a fighting stance and suddenly changes back to human form* Whoops...I didn’t mean to do that... *The Lunch Lady grabs Danny and throws him against a wall before grabbing Sam and flying off down the hall* Tucker: Come on! Change back! We gotta go! Lancer: *Grabbing them from behind* You two aren’t going anywhere...! Dash: *Covered in mud* Told ya you’d pay, Fenton! --- *Danny and Tucker sit in Lancer’s office while Lancer searches his file cabinets for their records and Dash smugly stands by* Lancer: *Opening Tucker’s file* Tucker Foley...Chronic tardiness, talking in class, repeated loitering by the girls locker room...*Tucker smiles to himself* Danny Fenton...Thirty-four dropped beakers in the last month, banned for life from handling all fragile school property, but no severe mischief before today. So gentlemen, tell me...Why did the two of you conspire to destroy the school cafeteria!? Danny: Dash started it! He threw— Lancer: Four touch down passes in the last game and is thereby exempt from scorn...You two however, are not. I’ll map out your punishment when I return. Mr. Baxter, watch the door. *He leaves and Dash grins evilly at them before closing the door* Tucker: We’ve gotta find Sam. For some reason...I feel like I got her kidnapped... Danny: Maybe because you told the ghost she changed the menu? How bout that!? Tucker: *Catching a scent* That steak is still in the building! Two-hundred yards, tops! Danny: *Looking at several monitor screens* Check it out! Meat trail...*Changes back into Danny Phantom, turns intangible and grabs Tucker, pulling them through the floor* Tucker: Woah! Lancer: *Opening the door and wielding a broom* Gentlemen your punishment will be—*He notices that they’re gone* WORSE, than you can imagine... --- *Tucker and Danny find themselves in a room with stacks of boxes and boxes of meat* Tucker: *In adoration* Sweet mother of mutton! *Hurls himself at a box* I’ve dreamed of it, but I never thought I’d live to see it! Danny: How is it that I have the ghost powers, and you’re the weird kid... *Both are slightly startled when they hear laughter, and peek around the corner* Lunch Lady: *Addressing Sam who is trapped in a pile of meat* My dear child, meat is good for kids! It helps them grow and makes them smile. Why won’t you eat it? Sam: We don’t need meat. That’s fact! Lunch Lady: SILENCE! You need discipline, manners, respect! You know where that comes from? MEAT! *She holds up a drumstick and a fish, smiling sweetly* Chicken or fish? Danny: I’ll take care of the ghost. You just find a way to get Sam out of that pile of meat! Tucker: *Holding up a knife and fork* Way ahead of you... *Danny flies up and punches the ghost from behind who crashes into a wall* Tucker: *Cutting up the meat* I’ll have you free in no time, Sam! Sam: You’ve gotta be kidding me... *Danny somersaults in midair, aiming a kick at the ghost. The Lunch Lady catches him by the ankle and holds him upside down* Lunch Lady: Don’t you see? This is why you need meat! You’re skin and bones! *She hurls Danny at a wall who turns intangible and lands halfway through it. Opening a box of shish-kebobs, she aims them at Danny who concentrates and manages to spread his body out, snake-like, and avoid them all. Giving a battle cry, the Lunch Lady opens all the boxes at once, sending all the meat, including what’s trapping Sam, to herself. Now a giant meat monster, she reaches out and grabs Danny* Tucker: *Holding out his utensils determinedly* Help’s on the way, Buddy! *The meat monster throws Danny at another wall, who turns intangible, flying through it. She then turns on Tucker and Sam and roars at them* Tucker: Run? Sam: Run. *They flee toward the exit, crying out in fear. The Lunch Lady blocks their path with a pile of meat. Danny, dazed, sticks his head back through the wall to find Tucker and Sam being chased by the meat monster. His face hardens and he flies after them, diving down to scoop them up and turn them intangible as he flies through the wall. The Lunch Lady hits the wall with a splat* Sam: Gee Danny, fighting meat monsters? .Flying through walls? You must be exhausted! Danny: *Defensively* What? Of course not! What would...give you that idea...? *He suddenly falls mid-flight and they tumble to the ground, Danny unconscious. There’s a flash of light and he reverts to his human form. Tucker and Sam look down at him and then at each other* --- *Jazz opens the door to Fenton Works and peers around* Jazz: Mom...? Dad...? *She walks inside and the door closes behind her. Two canisters emitting smoke are tossed beside her, filling up the screen* Jack: Now, Maddie! Hit her! I’m movin’ in! Get my back! *Jazz screams and the smoke clears to reveal a vacuum cleaner sucking on a miffed Jazz’s hair, her parents on the floor, clutching her heels. They slowly let go and Jazz marches away, vacuum still attached to her hair* Jazz: This is all going in the memoir... *The door opens again and Sam and Tucker enter, carrying an unconscious Danny* Tucker: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Fenton! What a school day! Poor Danny nodded off. We figured we’d just carry him all the way home and tuck him into bed without any parental interaction whatsoever... Sam: *As they walk up the stairs* Don’t get up! We know where to go. Bye! Jack: *Glancing away in thought* Hmmm... Maddie: Jack, Danny is not a ghost... Jack: You’re right...*Looks at Jazz who is trying to tug her hair out of the vacuum* Jazz is... --- *Danny wakes up in his bed and immediately freaks out* Danny: Ahh! Ah! Wha-what’s going on!? Tucker: You passed out! We took you home. You’ve been asleep for four days! Danny: *Sits up, distraught* Four days!? Tucker: *Amused* Heheheh, naw. It’s only been a couple hours. Sam: Knock it off, Tucker! This is the second time today your carelessness almost got him killed! Tucker: Me? I almost got him killed!? The only reason this happened is you had to be unique! You had to take the meat away! And I’m gonna get it back! *Exits the room* Sam: You wanna change that menu back? You’re gonna have to go through ME to DO it! *Chases after him, slamming the door* Danny: *Gives a flustered breath* Well, I’m sure everything will be back to normal by tomorrow... --- Danny: *Walking up to the school* Or not...Maybe it’ll be worse... *On one side of the school is a large crowd of people barbequing and selling meat, dressed up in meat costumes, and holding signs and large meat-shaped balloons and floats* Tucker: *On a stage with a microphone* What do we want!? Crowd: MEAT! Tucker: When do we want it!? Crowd: NOW! *On the other side of the school, there is another large crowd made up of hippie-types, surrounded with fruits and veggies, bearing signs and chanting ‘Veggies now! Veggies forever!’ led by Sam who is standing on top of a bus with a microphone* Tucker: Meat eaters, Danny. Always ready to fight. And our high-protein diets give us the energy we need to do it quickly! Sam: Ultra-recyclo-vegetarians are always ready to protest. And because we don’t have to waste time cooking our food, we can move even faster! Danny: Don’t you guys think this is a little extreme...? Tucker: No choice, Buddy! You’re either with me— Sam: Or you’re against him! Sam and Tucker: *Bearing down on Danny* So who’s side are you on!? *Suddenly a fierce wind begins to blow and there’s laughter from the sky. Danny gasps as the blue mist streams from his mouth again. A meat truck breaks open and forms a gigantic meat monster* Lunch Lady: It’s lunch time! *The crowds scream and run away in utter pandemonium* Tucker: Meat! Why have you betrayed me!? Danny: Guys! Time to make up. Now! *Sam and Tucker reluctantly hug with Danny in the middle. He transforms and they part as he flies toward the ghost* --- *Jazz is talking to a sallow, punk kid on a picnic table as the crowds are fleeing past* Jazz: Spike, you have to open up to your parents! Be true to yourself and them! Tell them how you feel. I mean, it’s not like they’re gonna attack you or anything. *She screams suddenly as she is trapped inside a green net and dragged away from Spike* Jack: *Reeling in the net* I’ve got her! And the Fenton Grappler is working like a charm! Maddie: I don’t understand...If Jazz is a ghost, why hasn’t she phased through the net? Jazz: Because I am NOT a GHOST! *Ripping the net off herself* You’ve ambushed me, suffocated me with smoke, and worse, I was pulled away from Spike before he had his breakthrough! What do you have to say for yourselves!? Jack: *After a stunned pause* Eat hot Fenton Thermos, ghost gal! *The Fenton Thermos sparks uselessly and Jazz stares at it before glaring up at her father* Jack: Hmph. Darn thing still doesn’t work... --- *Danny dodges a few punches and kicks the meat monster hard so that she falls over* Tucker: He really is getting better. *Danny, distracted for a moment, fails to see the fist flying at him until it’s too late* Sam: *Running forward anxiously* I sure hope he can take a punch! *Danny flies up straight toward a plane* Stewardess: There’s your water, Sir! *Danny flies intangibly through the floor, up through the roof, and comes back down, grabbing the water as he passes through* Danny: Thanks! *Splashing his face with the water he continues to fly back toward the ghost* --- *Jack and Jazz glare at each other for a few moments, before Jack smiles at her and looks down reprovingly at the thermos* Jack: I, Jack Fenton, from this day forth, do hereby turn my back on ghosts. *There’s an explosion of meat in the background as Danny crashes into the ghost, briefly darkening the scene as Jazz and Maddie look at Jack, shocked* --- Lunch Lady: *Back in her regular form* Oh dear! What a mess. Are you okay? Lunch Lady: Tough! Because you being okay is not part of my balanced diet of doom! *Five heaps of meat swarm around him suddenly, turning into miniature meat monsters. Danny leaps up, as do the monsters, and performs a spinning kick, breaking them up into pieces. However, they quickly regenerate themselves* Danny: Wasn’t expecting that! *A blue light flashes at his waist, separating into rings and turning him back to human* Or that. *The monsters surround and grab him, taking him up high in the air and hanging him upside down* Jack: And this thermos can’t trap ghosts because ghosts don’t exist. *He tosses the thermos up behind him where it smacks Danny in the face. He clutches it and holds it out to look at it* Danny: The Fenton Thermos! But how am I gonna get it to work!? *He cries out as the monsters let go of him and he plummets toward the ground* Change back...Change back! *A blue light flashes around him and he turns into his ghost form* Danny: *Flying intangibly through the ground as he passes his parents* Thanks for the thermos! Jack: *Triumphantly* HAH! Ghost kid! I was right! *Tauntingly at Jazz* You were wrong! Ghosts exist! Hahaha, I never doubted it for a second! *His laughter is interrupted when the meat monsters crash in a heap on top of the remaining Fentons* --- *Danny flies up through the ground to face the Lunch Lady* Lunch Lady: *Spotting the thermos* No! Soup’s not on today’s menu! Danny: I’m changing the menu, permanently! *To the thermos* Please work...*Takes off the cap and points the thermos at the ghost* I hope I’m right! *He closes his eyes, glowing blue, and is pushed back as a beam of blue energy shoots out from the thermos, catching the ghost* Lunch Lady: *As she is being sucked into the thermos* NOOOOOOoooo...! *Danny, back in human form, caps the thermos, smiles, and then rushes to help Sam and Tucker* Sam: What happened? Where’s the ghost? Danny: *Looking at the thermos* My parents have their moments. *He quickly hides the thermos behind his back as he hears another voice* Fenton Finder: Ghost directly ahead. *Danny’s parents step into view as the indicator arrow points to Danny* You would have to be some sort of moron to not notice the ghost directly ahead. *Danny flashes them an innocent expression as they glance up at him, mystified* Danny: Oh, sorry Dad. You just missed him. *Jabs a thumb behind him* Jack: We got a runner! *Runs off in the direction Danny indicated, followed by Maddie* Jazz: Great...Back to square one...*Marches away* Tucker: So you’re not gonna tell ‘em? Danny: Naw. I think I might have finally figured out what these powers are for. They make me— Lancer: *Grabbing Danny from behind* In a world of trouble... --- Lancer: *With a megaphone* Manson! Pick up that t-bone! Sam: *Disgustedly, holding a garbage bag* With my hands...? Lancer: Foley! Pick up that turfwich! Tucker: With my hands...? *Holds it up by his fingertips* *Lancer, satisfied, bites into a chicken leg and walks off. Dash, leaning against a trash bin full of meat as he supervises Danny sweeping, laughs arrogantly at him. Danny, annoyed, walks to the side of the bin and puts a hand on the edge, turning it intangible. The whole load of meat collapses on Dash, burying him* Dash: *Sticking his head out from the pile* Fenton! A little help...? Danny: *Amused* Whatever you say, Dash! Whatever you say...*Grins as his eyes flash green* THE END! |
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